Me me me

I've been watching my babies grow for the over five years now. Before them I can honestly say I was a very selfish human being. To be so consumed by other people's needs and well being more than my own is still new to me, and I actually resent it at times. I am currently dealing with my ongoing back issues with chiro, yoga, massages, hot packs, Advil, and any other tricks I can come up with. But I know that a little time and self care could probably be what's due.  So what the heck does a mom do?!  I am pretty sure "back in the day" moms were not taking mental health days or vacations from their lives.  They dealt with more for less and still seemed fine! Am I (are we) so pampered in this day and age that we can only handle so much reality before we need a break? Is it wrong for me to not want to hang with my 8 month old baby for just one day? Stupid motherly guilt.  This I have learned oh too we'll and let me tell you, it too is getting old. Do dads feel guilt every time they walk out the door empty handed (and by empty handed I mean without a kid). Do they spend the entire excursion thinking "are they ok?" "Should I call?" "I better hurry because..."
I love my kids.  Over love them maybe...if you can do that.  I forget to love myself and that is no good for anyone. I know it. I just have to figure out how to fit me in...and hopefully my dear hubby after that! Ah...the life!

End of an era

So me and my sister have been pregnant with babies and on mat leave on and off together for 3 years now. It's been so amazing to share this time and experience with her. I am realizing today as she gets ready to return to work tomorrow that life will never be quite the same again. And just as I've learned that change is natural and positive, I have also learned to apprciate things in the moment. Without each other I think this time would have been so much tougher on each of us. I know the coffee breaks, texts, cafe o play visits and just plain tired days together will never be forgotten. My sister has always been my best friend, and support and I like to believe I hers. We've been through so many good times together and too many really bad times too. I am SoO happy for her that she's finally found a job she deserves and will be great at! I also get the joy of taking care of my sweet sweet nieces. I know it'll be tough. It's already tough with my own three! But it's such a blessing to have this  time with them. William just had his 5th birthday and it always reinforces how precious life is. And how short childhood really is. These babies will be in school and out of my arms in no time. But if I can instill some love, family and happiness in them while I have the time. Heard my favorite Green day song today and I realized how much I want happiness myself too. I want a happy marriage. I want happy children.  I want to live a long healthy life surrounded by family and friends. I want to eat well and live comfortably.  My life is short too...and Even though the baby making era is through, I have so much to look forward in this life that I step forward with excitement! And say goodbye with pleasant sorrow.
Next step...

5 years

My baby boy turned 5 years old today.  That means I have been a mother that long too. For some reason I was very emotional about it all. I guess I've been reflecting about these years and how far we've come...together.  Three days into Will's life we knew we were not on the typical baby journey.  We spent his first four months living in the hospital, hoping and praying that he would make it through each day. We spent his first birthday waiting for him to get out of recovery from brain surgery. By age 2 my little guy had been through 13 surgeries.  Thirteen times we have been sat down and had explained that Will's surgery is " complex" and "serious" and he may not make it through, or there is risk of bleeding, or they can't promise success. 13 times we cried and feared we'd lose him and sent him under a knife anyways because it was the best we could do for him.
I sit back and I look at my 5 year old boy now. The one that has been generally healthy for years ( yes plural!) The one who is going to kindergarten, making lots of friends, being a big brother and making me smile on a daily basis. Does he talk? Walk? See? Hear?  Yes...no...maybe.  Is he happy? Learning? Developing? yes Yes YES!  He taught me what a miracle was. He's reminded me what faith looks and feels like. He's my hope and inspiration.  He is the epitome of love. 5 years!? This kid has lived a lifetime in those 5 years...those 1850 days of life.  The rest is just for the joy of it.
Happy birthday William Murray Rossi. I love you.

Today has been a nice relaxing family day! Those are few in our house. Seems like there is always something happening to keep us busy and exhausted. I'm just about to my 36th week of pregnancy now. I can't believe that we will have one more little person here in less than a month. I don't feel ready, but then I don't know that you ever do. I've been reflecting a lot on Wills short lil life lately, thinking about how huge it has been. With all we've been through with him and how generally healthy he is today...it feels like a blur or dream. Could be me in this pregnancy fog too! I talk about how he was on palliative so freely and our fears of losing him without extreme emotion all the time. I almost feel bad for not feeling worried and bad. It's crazy I know.

Today's been a tough one! Shit on, spit up on, painted with paint and food, held my baby while he got needles...then listened to him whine all afternoon about it! All this while being 7 months pregnant, with gestational diabetes, carpal tunnel in my right hand and f-ing exhausted!! Is this the joys of motherhood everyone raves about? Cuz I call bullshit. Sure. One day I'll look back and smile and be proud of my hardwork blah blah blah. But right now I don't feel the joy.
Today at our parent group for parents of children with special needs we discussed emotional awareness. One of the words we talked about at length was loneliness. A word thats never spoken to me so much. Feeling overwhelmed in my home, my marriage, and even my body! It's a tough one.

For 20 years now I have been a journal writer. Since I was 12 I believed that my thoughts were important enough to write down. I can tell you that other than my siblings checking it out during our teens, very few of those thoughts have ever been seen! Well now it's time to put them out there! Since being a mom seems to be my biggest role in life I'm guessing most of my thoughts will surround this. Currently in my third pregnancy I am feeling mighty tired of it! To think I have spent over two years already growing people inside me blows my mind!! Also makes me very excited to have my body back for my uses only! Selfish? Maybe. I subside the guilt by knowing the rest of my life will NEVER be all mine again.